Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Conversations with a Coward

Ex-Friend: I'm mad at you and I refuse to tell you the reason why.  You're bitter, jaded, and have no aspirations.

Me: Okay, care to back up and tell me what's going on?

Ex-Friend: No, because then we'd get into an argument about it.

Me: So you won't tell me why you're mad at me and you won't explain the "bitter and jaded and no aspirations" remark.  Why won't you?

Ex-Friend: ...

Me: Logs off to get some sleep.

Okay, the above isn't the convo I had early this morning around three o'clock.  But it's as close to an accurate summary as I feel comfortable sharing with you.

I met my ex-friend a few years ago, back when I owned my own region in SL.  She's never been the most stable person, but she's been a good friend even though I've made some really big mistakes — hell, she and her husband even got me the computer I'm using right this very moment as a gift.  They did this knowing I was unemployed and couldn't return the favor.  That's how close we were as friends, and how generous they both are.

But like I said, the ex-friend isn't the most stable person.  She's continually de-friending me, making accusations she won't back up, only to return later on.  (This is the DJ I wrote about in my previous entry.)  This has become a pattern with her.  And you know what?  I can't keep doing this.

I am done being someone else's emotional punching bag.  This is the last time she pulls this crap with me.  She and her husband are the closest thing I've got to a family (my own blood relations made it clear a long time ago that they only ever considered me their punching bag), but I shouldn't have to keep putting up with this childish behavior.  One day things are going fine, the next I gotta log on to find out that oops! friend is now ex-friend again, and for no reason whatsoever that she'll bother explaining.

Some people are cowards.  They can't face their own demons so they project them onto others and then use that as an excuse to heap bullshit on said others.  And it's sad, because I really don't like losing friends, even bad ones.

Wanna know how "bitter" I am?  I've met an incredible young woman through SL with whom I've fallen in love.  We exchange e-mails off of SL, we hang out together, and we even help manage my other friend's nightclub together.  For the first time in a long time there's a ray of light in my life, and I'm even happy.

No aspirations?  I'm helping to manage my friend's club with the intention of making it into something worthwhile.  I'm expanding my DJ gigs to other places.  I'm looking for a reliable, trustworthy scripter willing to script my TARDIS consoles so I can start selling my own builds again.  I have a goal in SL, and it's to eventually make just enough money to afford my own private region again, so I can keep building and sharing my work with others.  I want to get first-life jobs teaching and making movies, get a house, have the means to live a comfortable life, and raise a family.  No aspirations?  Funny; those seem like aspirations to me.

Jaded?  Maybe.  Lord knows I've seen enough assholery to recognize that the human race probably hasn't got a lot of time left before it wipes itself out.  And yeah, I've seen enough politicians making and breaking promises and more than my share of petty, small-minded losers who think the only way they can enjoy life is to make other people who never had any fight with them completely miserable for the rest of theirs.  But you know what?  I don't let it affect my outlook on life.  I don't because I've seen more beauty in this world than I have ugliness, and I'm still idealistic enough to be outraged at the ass clowns making this world the ugly place it is.  If I were really jaded I wouldn't give a damn.  But I'm not, and I do.

So you know what?  This is me cutting out a part of my life I don't need.  I turned thirty-eight last month and one of the things I realized is that my remaining time on this planet doesn't have any room in it to be wasted by idiots, evil bastards, psychopaths, and morons.  I'm gonna focus on just being me and finding happiness where I can get it.

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